Self Hate

Recently I got caught in a storm of self-pity and mental self hate. The cruel things that I say to myself never fail to amaze the other, more laid-back part of my brain that thinks, “whoa – chill out.” It’s been quite a while since I got quite so down on myself as I did a few days ago. I felt a lot like a woman stuck in the rain without an umbrella or a car or any type of shelter in the vicinity. At first it was just one drop – which was annoying, but I brushed it off. Then, the drops started falling faster and faster until I succumbed to the storm, sat down in the mud, and began to feel hopeless.

I don’t know how this works for other people, but when I get stuck in self-pity and fear, I REALLY get stuck in it. When I was younger, I fully identified with the verbal bashing, and I was more vulnerable to it for that reason. There was no moment of insight where I realized, “oh, wait a minute, I’m being excessively cruel to myself.” I simply believed the vitriol as fact and blamed myself relentlessly for every negative emotion or happenstance. During my first months of college, I used to have to hide behind buildings periodically to quietly cry on my way to classes. (Yeah, it took me quite a while to get to class back then). I remember sitting in a lecture one day, with tears silently running down my face pretty much the entire hour. I sat as still as a statue, not daring to wipe my eyes or move my head, hoping and praying that no one besides the professor would notice. Nothing objectively bad had happened to me that day. No one had said anything mean to me. I was simply going through a difficult, rocky transition to college-life, and because it didn’t run perfectly smoothly, like an idyllic movie about beautiful co-eds, my mind ran away with itself and began sending me terrible messages. Messages like: “You’re worthless. No one will ever want to be friends with you. You’ll never have a relationship with a nice, normal guy. You’re ugly. You’re boring. Etc, etc, etc.” That's the kind of stuff that I'm referring to when I talk about self hate. Nowadays, I can recognize the fallacy of “beating myself up (to a pulp)” while I’m doing this, but it still happens. I’m not free from it. Occasionally, it is intense enough for me to feel bruised and broken for several hours no matter how aware I am that it is needless self hate.

It usually starts off like this: I am often disappointed in myself because I set goals and then fail to follow through on those goals. That disappointment writhes around in my body and eventually turns into anger and frustration, with no outlet and no real external target. Usually, jealousy and envy get thrown into the mix, too, and before I know it, I’m grappling with a volatile, poisonous A-bomb of negativity ticking right under my skin. To say that I give off a “bad vibe” at these moments is a gross understatement. More like – a searing bolt of toxic, destructive, high-voltage energy capable of ruining my life and hurting everyone around me. Is that dramatic enough?

The good thing about these moments of exponentially escalating self hate is that the whole experience is SO unpleasant and SO horrible, that I’m usually forced to come full circle. It’s not like a mild irritation that I can brush off with a double-stuff Oreo or a pleasant piece of music or a tasty beverage. This brand of vitriol demands to be heard, listened to, absorbed, and dealt with. I’ve been fortunate in life so far because, apart from those first months of college, my bouts with depression usually resolve themselves within a day. My body gets fed up with the negativity and says, “you know what, Frankie? Enough. This just sucks, and I can’t take this any longer today.” At that point, I’ll usually talk to a friend or family member, knowing that they’ll be easier on me than I am on myself. And they always are. They usually make me laugh at myself, too, and there’s nothing more destructive to a cycle of self hate than a genuine peal of laughter.

Big Ego

One thing that never really dawned on me until recently is the role that an exaggerated sense of self-importance plays in this kind of self hate. When I’m drowning in negativity, I’m generally in a very self-obsessed frame of mind. Even though it’s an inherently unpleasant experience, it still obliterates my care and concern for other people in that moment. I’m so wrapped up in ME - what I did wrong, what I won’t get to experience in life, how hopeless MY circumstances are – that I can’t focus on anything else, least of all someone else’s problems. That much is clear. But there’s another side to it, too. I’m able to mentally beat myself so harshly because of my belief that I “should” be the-best-person-that-ever-lived. It’s not enough to simply be a person, with foibles and weaknesses. I have to eliminate those weaknesses and become Queen of the World. On an intellectual level, I know how impossible that is, and I also know that this type of excessive ambition is how classic villains like Darth Vader came to be. But there seems to be a gap between what I know to be true and what sorts of desires my self hate is able to capitalize on.

My general theory in life is, that if I’m going to spend time doing something, then I need to do it right. I dislike the idea of working out at the gym without good form while lifting weights. It just makes sense, yes? Do something all the way if you’re going to do it. If you’re going to invest the time, invest the time to become truly exceptional instead of merely mediocre. This is a noble thought, except if you’re someone like me that translates a lack of immediate perfection and consistency to a lack of success. It’s not always as simple as good form while weight lifting. Sometimes it takes a long time, trial and error, and multiple failures to learn what good form is so that I can improve. For me, self-discipline is a hard one. It’s not true that you either have self-discipline or you don’t. Self-discipline is cultivated and grown from a tiny seed. Sometimes you’re starting from ground zero. If I can't get five tasks done in a morning, then I should start with one task and work my way up. I say this now, but the truth is that in practice, I’m a complete Nazi about my ambition for any given day. When I realize how MUCH I want to accomplish, see, do, and experience in my short life on this planet, I get freaked out by the limitations of time and energy. I establish strict schedules and goals for myself the night before. Wake up at 5:00 am, work out, study for two hours, write two blogs, only check email once per day, etc. When I inevitably roll over the next morning and wake up at 7:00, instead of 5:00, a part of me feels like the whole day is shot. I’ve blown it. If I can’t do something as simple as get up on time in the morning, what hope is there for me being Queen of the Universe? That negativity grows, and if enough things go wrong that day, I might find myself encased in a shit-storm of self hate, unable to break free for several hours.

Here’s a reality check for me: Getting up at 5:00 am sucks. Most people have a difficult time doing it. It doesn’t make me a bad person. In counseling, there’s a widely accepted notion to “meet people where they are and go from there.” In other words, don’t try to force a huge change. Walk to where someone is in reality and help them take a small step forward. It’s a great idea, and I completely agree with it… when it comes to OTHER people. For them, sure. But for me? I’m BETTER than that. I should be able to suddenly achieve my dreams even if I’ve never consistently displayed the necessary discipline or habits sufficient to reach those high goals without external pressure. I’m different from every other human on the planet! I'm SPECIAL! I can magically change without being honest with myself about where I currently am.

Uh huh. Hello self-importance and arrogance! Beyond being incredibly conceited, it’s just not realistic to think this way. Worst of all, it’s disregarding the truth of my own person-hood in favor of some grandiose idea about who I “should” be. It’s incredibly disrespectful to my true self to relentlessly beat that self down when I don’t manage to leap tall buildings in a single bound. “Conceit” and “ego” get interpreted as self-serving narcissism, but the reality is that my big ego hurts ME more than anyone else. It pretends to build me up, but I actually get knocked down to a place where self hate can feast on my failure to achieve unrealistic expectations. Having the courage to transform unrealistic expectations into realistic small steps forward (and to keep moving forward in spite of failure) is the true path of success and achievement. In practical terms, this translates to getting up at 6:55 tomorrow until that feels natural, then 6:50, and on down until I'm getting up as early as I'd like to. The end goal is still possible, but the process of getting there is tailored to my true place on the spectrum, instead of what I think I should be able to accomplish right away.

Truth

Truth is fond of deflating false, ego-inflated ideas, and most of the time, I prefer to live up in the clouds, content to fantasize about future outcomes instead of engaging in the nitty gritty work necessary to make those outcomes a reality. So I continue to live in la-la land and then set day-to-day goals that are miles away from my current habits. And when all of that backfires on me? When I inevitably and understandably fall short of the unrealistic plans? When I find myself in a sea of misery because I’ve “failed" and begin telling myself that I’ll never amount to anything? That's when I need truth the most.

I look back on that college freshman, crying behind buildings and in lecture halls and in her dorm room – I look at her, and I have so much empathy. I’d love to step back in time and say, “Hey, girl. It’s ok that you’re not the most popular kid on campus. You’re away from your family for the first time in your life, and everyone adjusts at a different pace. You’re one brave kid for choosing to come to a college so far from home, and I salute you. Do the best you can. Do something nice for yourself today. It will get better.”

I was caught up in an unrealistic view of what college should be like and how I SHOULD be adjusting. I saw college as a clean slate, a place where all my social dreams could come true. In fact, I’d spent almost all of high school speculating about the incredible transformation that would occur when I went to college – how popular I’d be, surrounded by other intellectual people. In reality, things were very different. It took time for me to accept things and find my own rhythm that worked. In retrospect, it’s so obvious to me. It’s much harder to see these things when I’m in the thick of it.

So, I say to myself (and to those reading): if a thought passes through the transom of your mind that seems hateful or unduly harsh, where did it come from? Did it spring from reality, or from some fantasy world that looks similar to the real world but is, in fact, hyped up with a lot of unrealistic expectations and internal demands? Chances are, that if you broke a promise to yourself, you had a reason for that. Either the promise wasn’t feasible or something is blocking you that needs attention and support, rather than abuse and self hate. Meet yourself where you are, not where you want to be. The only way to get where you want to be is by walking a path of honesty with yourself. Never underestimate the power of baby steps, small achievements, and slow forward movement.

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